Shae's log: I don't make a good Tanzanian

Those beautiful brown eyes of hers motivate me in ways nothing else could!

My heart is breaking a little bit today.   After having enjoyed an amazing day at Cradle of Love and Tanz Hands yesterday (the blog is done but I wasn't in the emotional state to post it yet), I woke up to a text that made me pause.  I got word that Happy's father was very sick and his family needed my help to get him to the hospital.

My housegirl Pendo was so kind and kept calling the family for updates as they don't speak English well and my Kiswahili is crap.  I had made arrangements to get a car that her father could lay down in and I was all ready to collect him and take him to the hospital.  Luckily, the neighbors had worked it out  and transported him .So I got Happy ready and headed out to the hospital.  Uchumi was gracious enough to agree to accompany me and translate where needed.

Upon arrival at the hospital I remembered that it was Sunday and that things were a little different than they should be.  You see, here in Tanzania at a government hospital, personnel don't work if not properly motivated. I caught up with the family and found out that they had bribed a doctor to see Ewaldi, Happy's father, and that he was getting evaluated and meds. Upon walking into his ward, I found 10 beds in a dark room all full of 2 sick men per bed.  You read that right... 2 men per twin bed.  Only 1 blanket per bed. I expected this but my heart was heavy none the less.

I have to admit that I embarrassingly could not identify which man was Ewaldi. Upon approaching his bed, I found a severely sick, somewhat emaciated man. I was only allowed a look before the doctor ushered me out.  Visiting hours are strict and I was an hour too early.  Since Happy is not allowed in the ward, we all quickly went out and found her with Uchumi and started a translated conversation.  

Ewaldi was able to tell his brother and sister today what was translated as "the bad words".  Upon leaving the family, I asked Uchumi what was specifically said, and this is what Ewaldi told them today:  

"This is the end of my life. Please  get me to Moshi [nearer the family home] so that my mother and father can see me one last time before I die." 

As a collaborative effort between me and his sister and brother, we will have Ewaldi moved either by taxi or ambulance (if we can bribe enough) tomorrow to a hospital in Moshi where his father can come down the mountain and see his son before he dies.  Other family members will also be able to stay with him to make sure he is fed, drinks water, and receives medical care as it won't be done without the supervision of family. 

The most heartbreaking part for me is... well there are so many things.  I guess the realization that Happy won't see her father again is a large sadness.  Well, we don't know for sure, but the reality is not looking good.   I guess i thought we still had time to go to the family compound, see her older brothers, and take pictures with all of them together with their father.  But I don't see that happening now.  Three weeks ago when I met up with her father, I paid for his bus fare to Marangu where his parents and other relatives live.  Now I am so happy I did that.  Without knowing it, I gave him an opportunity to see his family all together.  I hope that it wasn't the last time.  But reality is telling me that it might. 

In Tanzanian culture, the only real time you might ever see someone show fear of or tears about death is at the physical funeral.  And even then, emotion may not be shown at all.  We pretend its not a big deal.  Death and birth are so casually referenced here as they happen too often... and sometimes as one event.  But I'll admit to you that today, while driving home with a singing Happy in the back seat, I couldn't stop the single tears that wanted to fall.   Suppressing my emotions is something of Tanzanian culture that I thought I was mastering well...

But today I realized that I make for a terrible Tanzanian.  My child losing her father is not something that will ever be casual.  Its not something that I will ever forget.  And it is a big deal.  My heart breaks for Happy, Kelvin, and Julius.  And for Mama Ewaldi.  Mama's aren't supposed to bury their children. 

~Shae