Shae's log: For the world-Whitney. For me- Ewaldi.

One of the few stretches of decent road on Kili.

Yesterday, I attended the funeral of Happy’s father, Ewaldi Augustino Ngowi.  It took a few days of planning but once the day came, we were fully committed to the process and the day started very early.  My housegirl Pendo came over after 7 a.m. to get Happy ready as I had to go into town and pay the balance on the coffin and make sure everyone was there and ready for transport.  Six men walked the coffin from the coffin makers to the mortuary of the hospital next door.  I went home and collected Happy, Pendo, and Uchumi (on the way out) and we drove the almost 3 hour journey to the Ngowi family home in the lower rungs of Mt. Kilimanjaro.

Some of the little children in the villages on the way were bright eyed and calling out “mzungu”.  It doesn’t bother me as much when mountain village kids call it out because they do it with wonderment as its literally the first time they have seen a blonde haired, white woman driving through their village!!! 

Yes, it looks cloudy because that was the haze of dust!  

We followed the truck carrying the casket.  Our journey started around 9:30 as it required this truck, a dalla dalla, my car, and two coaster buses full of mourners from Arusha.  Of course, the road is rocky and dusty and TOUGH to get up to the family home. At some point, the buses stopped and made the travelers walk another 20 minutes to reach destination. I am still shocked the buses made it as far as they did. 

Carrying the casket through the brush and corn fields to the family home.

There were easily 100 people in attendance.  More than even I suspected.  The family is Catholic and so the service had a very beautiful religious tone.  Upon arrival, Ewaldi’s mother was crying and screaming out to God for quite some time at the arrival of her son’s casket.  It broke my heart into a million pieces.  Funerals in Tanzania are quite the spectacle.  And not in the ‘freak show’ kind of way.

Julius and Kelvin-- Happy's brothers.

Rather that it is a sole time for Tanzanians to truly release all their emotions about death, and life, and anything else that has been pint up and not readily discussed.  It is an acceptable moment to just GRIEVE. Because tomorrow there is too much daily work to be done, too much hardship to overcome, and no room for sadness or depression.  All must be processed quickly.  And so the displays of sobbing, of hugging, and dare I say it—quick kisses!—have to be done on funeral day.  This is it.

Friends

The harsh realities of death in Tanzania.

Happy being a complete trooper!

It was hot but Happy was a great little girl.  We sat through a multi hour funeral and with the exception of not wanting anyone to hold her, she did great! 

Kingston’s father (Uchumi)went with us.  I haven’t seen much of him since December, but he was a help to me this week and offered to go with me to the funeral.  We had a good journey up there (save for a tiny spat at the beginning!) and he took my camera as he wanted to capture photos for me.  It was a very kind gesture and I know how much he loves playing with my camera.  I have to admit that he took some good photos that would have been hard for me to do as family and Happy were ushering me around. And of course, all the guests were sobbing for Ewaldi and wanted to know how his daughter (Happy) was doing and so I tried to keep focus on that for everyone’s sake.  The family asked Uchumi to see if I wanted to speak.  I had nothing prepared but Uchumi said during their time of praising and thanks I should speak since they asked.  My housegirl agreed.  It’s a big deal.  I quickly prepared the following and waiting until the time in the service to have this delivered.  Knowing that it would be translated I tried to be concise but in theme with what the family had asked for.  It went like this:

“My warmest greetings to you all.  I met Happy Ngowi in June 2010.  Months later I was blessed to come to this very place and meet many members of her family.  I thank them for their kindness. Even though Ewaldi could not be with us at that time, I prayed over this last year that Happy and I would have a good greeting with him one day.  Last month, we were so happy to meet each other, talk, and take pichas together.  Ewaldi gave his blessings that Happy should live with me and it was an answer from God.  Of course, today is a sad time. But we are all blessed to have known Ewaldi, and God leaves us with the gifts of faith, hope, and love.  Many blessings to his family and to you all. Thank you. “

Nice right? Completely in line with what is supposed to be said at a Tanzanian funeral.  I thought it was strange that there was no reaction regarding blessings as that is a big thing.  This was a very Christian group of Tanzanians.  But whatever, this is not about me.  No big deal. UNTIL the pastor asks “who is this women?  Why does she have the baby in Arusha?  Where is Happy’s real mother?  The real mother must come forward today.”  I had my housegirl quickly translate for me what the pastor was saying because I was SURE I was understanding wrong.  She told me and it kinda’ felt awkward.  Ewaldi’s brother Richard quickly stood up and took the mic and explained that Happy’s mother had abandoned her at 3 months old and that this women (meaning me) had cared for Happy all this time.  Exclaims of praises to God and gasps went up in the room and mixed looks of smiles and confusion were sent my way.  And at this point, I still thought it was weird that they had this reaction to what he said and NOT to what I said.  But whatever, the funeral went on and the service was really beautiful.  I felt so sad for his sobbing sisters as his casket was carried from the service site to the burial hole.  But it was beautiful to walk through the woods and corn fields to the edge of the family property to properly lay Ewaldi into the ground.  I was asked along with other family members and friends to throw dirt into his coffin and Happy participated.

Self explanatory.

Happy and I throwing dirt into the ground.

The priest adding his blessings.

A small sampling of all those who came.

 Family members and a friend.

In 10 minutes, the 6 foot hole was recovered.  Amazing.

Laying flowers on his grave.

Talking with Bibi- Ewaldi's mother/Happy's gran

After his burial and upon witnessing the most amazing scene of them filling his coffin within 10 minutes (in that high heat, blazing sun, and shovels only, I was IMPRESSED!) we started back up through the property to the family home.  I was having some serious nerve pain in my hip and it was well after 4 p.m. so we decided to go home.  But then the downpour of rain!  God had held it off until the conclusion of the funeral.  God is amazing.  We all huddled under crude canopies that was erected for sun block and waited out the rain storm.  The sisters found me under the tarp and pulled me out to usher me into their mother’s shack to wait out the storm.  It was so unnecessary but sweet.  But I did get to spend a little time with Happy’s BiBi (grandmother) and give her a book of pictures I had just had printed for her.  It was amazing to see her and Happy together! After the 15 minute rain, everyone sat to eat the provided meal but we headed home.  Several family members walked us out and I got a great picture of Happy and her brothers.  It was awesome for the three of them to meet.  The only surprising thing that I discovered is that her brothers thought that their mother was Happy’s mother.  You see, they don’t live with their mom and have been raised by the grandparents.  And Ewaldi and his wife (their mom) had been living in another city when Happy was born so the boys were under the belief that she was born to their mother—not acknowledging that their parents had actually been apart for years! We were all shocked to learn that NO ONE had explained to the boys the situation.  Tanzania frustrates me because its hard to get truths out of anyone… because  no one actually KNOWS the truth!!! 

Kelvin, Happy, and Julius.  They are one beautiful bunch!

Any way, we said our goodbyes, I offered my very American hugs, and we loaded the car and headed down the mountain.  I immediately apologized to Uchumi that he had so much to translate for me earlier.  I asked him what he ended up saying and when he told me I thought it was a joke. I turned around to ask my housegirl Pendo what she heard him translate and she corroborated what he said.  She explained that he translated my beautiful speech into this:

“Yes, this is the woman who lives with the baby in Arusha.  She say that she met Happy’s family in 2010.  Yes, she met Ewaldi last month in Arusha and took him to Moshi.   She is also the woman who took care of Ewaldi in the hospital in Arusha when we was so sick.  Does anyone have words to ask her? Thank you.”

Um, WHAT?  Were they joking?  Where was the translation of feeling blessed to have met the whole family?  Where was the thanks for their hospitality?  And I never said ANYTHING about taking Ewaldi to Moshi OR caring for him at the hospital!  Everyone was told he died of Malaria—even though we all know he died from complications of AIDS.  But we don’t talk about it because that is the way it is here in Tanzania.  UGH! And no mention about GOD??? This is important that Happy lives with a Christian and now all these 100 people are whispering  “who is this woman?”  Its so insulting not to have thanked the family and Uchumi TOTALLY omitted this part.  I was so angry and started FREAKING out!  It explained so much!  I was so angry that I started to cry and of course, Uchumi made it all about him instead of realizing that it was really about the disrespect to the family and not me being angry at him for his HORRIBLE translating.  I knew he was bad at understanding me, I just thought he’d drop a few things or translate the sentiment and not the word for word.  But this?  Oh.  Disgrace.  And I have to take the blame because I was listening to him translate and it sounded weird but I thought it was my lack of understanding Kiswahili. And if I spoke the language, this would not have been a problem.  The realization that I had sounded like an ungrateful guest and that I had not properly addressed the family made me feel terrible for them.  I was a black spot in their very emotional day of burying their son.  Oh my goodness.  This was bad.  REALLY bad.  My blood pressure was up for the three hours home and Uchumi and I screamed at each other for a good hour as he was mad that I was upset and I was pissed that he was making this about him and not realizing the ripple effect of bad things that could happen from this!  Very much, people in attendance could see me as a bad person and not want Happy to live with me.  They could see this as a disrespect to the family.  They could very much remember this when the memory should have been of Ewaldi. And advise the family against the hard work we've all done over the last two years!  AAAHHH!

Its been 18 hours and I’m still upset.  But I’ll write an apology.  I’ll have someone I trust translate it, then I’ll text it to the family as mail isn’t really an option here.  If I wasn’t so pregnant now I would drive the 3 hours back to the family home and greet his parents with apology.  But whats done is done and I don’t have that option.  I’ll just pray that God inspires in everyone important what I intended to say and not what they heard.  He has that power.  I just will never forget this as long as I live and will forever feel awful whenever I see his family.

Anyway, on a day when the world was mourning a pop star who was lost due to her self inflicted pain, 100 of us in Tanzania were mourning the life of a man who was taking away by a cruel, unforgiving disease.  The juxtaposition of Whitney’s event and Ewaldi’s is striking.  But this is how the world works.  It’s a day I will never forget. 

~Shae

A beautiful capture of the sentiment of the day.  Ewaldi's Father has his head down.