I'm going to be honest. The last 10 months have not been easy. I have never been pitted with challenges in this large of quantity, in this level of intensity, with these few resources as I have over the last year. Somehow God has given me the confidence and intelligence to figure things out and I can arrogantly say that I have handled things so well. I am a little cocky about it because I have surprised myself over and over. Knowing what a huge drama queen I am in my "other" life, it amazes me that I remain so calm about all the negative things that keep happening here. I broke down one night in December while still in America. And even that breakdown was lame. So, facing the possibility of not being able to come to the USA to deliver this baby boy due shouldn't be a big deal, right? Right? Um, *sigh. Sad face. Not right. Wrong.
I realized this morning that I finally can't handle anything else stressful. I need a break. I need a big break. I have been stressed for 2 years now and I need something to go well. Just something. I physically can have this baby here in Tanzania and I can arrange for care of Happy while I deliver. But here's the thing: I can't emotionally do it anymore. I need my friends around me. I'm tired of being alone everyday.
So I did something that I don't allow myself to do these days. I felt the emotion of helplessness and admitted that I can't deal. As I stood under my faintly trickling shower, I said aloud:
God, I am not strong . I can't handle staying here in Tanzania and deliver this baby. I need you to get Happy's passport and visa to America. I don't think that I can do this. You have to make this happen because I'm tapped out. And I've got only days before the U.S. Embassy cuts me off for an appointment to apply for Happy's visa.
And then I finished my shower. Conversation with God over. Well, who are we kidding? It wasn't a conversation. It was one sided -- me pleading for help.
And then...
Three hours later I got a call from the immigration officer. She says that she thinks she can get me a passport number for Happy by tomorrow so I can make an appointment with the Embassy to get Happy's visa and reserve her plane ticket (the airline also requires a pp #). Happy's passport is scheduled to be printed this week.
Um, God. that was quick!! And I guess this means we ARE in conversation together.
Of course, until I get that passport number I am still in limbo. But there is nothing more I can do and I've told God what I need. I have to let it go. He'll provide me the strength as I hand over my weaknesses to Him. For now, that is all I have energy to do.
~Shae
4 comments:
I think honest broken prayers like that are some of the most beautiful prayers because they are when we are most honest with God. God loves impossible situations because it demonstrates His power and proves beyond a doubt that it was Him, and not us, that made it happen. Adding my prayers that the God of the impossible will work things out.
Beautiful prayer and beautiful answer so far. Praying everything works out beautifully for all three of you.
Well we are certainly excited about everything! And reading your blog just really called to mind the chorus from Amy Grant's song "Better Than A Hallelujah" (which is awesome, and on YouTube in case you've missed it):
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah
God has a plan for you and a plan for your family, I think that's quite apparent. And when you get home shortly, I think the hospital will have to give you a penthouse room for all the friends you'll have surrounding you (for the recovery part). And that's a LOT of people!
Todd, thought of that wonderful Amy Grant song too! Shae, two verses from N.T. books that I'm reading through this month came together in your post: "But (God) said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness' . . ." (II Cor. 12:9)and "Nothing is impossible for God." (Luke 1:37) My prayer for you comes from the blessing of Elizabeth to her young cousin, Mary, "Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished!" (Luke 1:45)
Post a Comment