Right now, as I preparing my return to America and facing the reality that God put me here in Tanzania for a purpose that had nothing to do with my hopes and dreams, but everything to do with getting Happy in a good place physically and emotionally, I am reminded that I am/was here for more than just her.
Coming to Cradle of Love was not the original plan. But it ended up being the catalyst for so much of my life of the last two years. And, like so many volunteers before me and after me, my purpose was to bring help, peace, and happiness to all the children I was privileged to serve. I forgot that in doing what I was called by God to do, that my minimal efforts would have a lasting impact on more than just me.
Today, as I visited orphanages to try and find Happy a new loving home, I came across two beautiful little faces that I had not seen for many months. In visiting THE MOST beautiful children's facility I have ever seen, the director slyly ushered me and my amazing volunteer friend Heather "Dolly" into a house to meet a mama and tour the home. It was upon walking up the cobblestone pathway to this one particularly beautiful cottage, that the director greeted a young child exiting the home and asked "is mama here? And are Hope and Lazaro inside?" My heart stopped.. .then started beating very fast! The director had listened to me about knowing two former Cradle children who had settled in their children's village, and so he bypassed all the other houses at this "orphanage" to take us to the home where two of my beloved former Cradle babies now reside!
Upon entering the cottage, I was overwhelmed with how clean and organized the house was. There was three children milling about, but one beautiful little bald head immediately got my attention as he sat eating his lunch at the kitchen table. There he was in all his glory-- LAZARO! It was obvious that he instantly recognized me/us. But I could see some hesitation. I greeted him cautiously and asked how he was doing. With his big cheeky grin, he answered so politely. I acknowledged with "Lazaro, have you seen me before?" and of course "YES!" was his reply. "Do you remember my name?". "No, I forgot it." And my follow up "thats ok, I'm Shae Shae. Have you heard my name before?" "Yes, Shae Shae. I know you!" and from that moment it was on! Hope came around the corner and it was all smiles and hugs. They were so excited to see us and wanted to instantly show us everything at their house. Their rooms are so cute! They each have their own bed, blanket, their own closet, all their own clothes. They have their own assigned shoes and do not have to share their personal belongings. They have 7 children in their home and one mama... and all seven will grow up together until they are teens and move into a house for older youth. I asked Lazaro about his "brothers and sisters" and he just lit up talking about them and showing me his brothers closets and their stuff! He was so proud and so mature. He and Hope both LOOKED good, smelled good, answered questions in beautiful English. And they didn't seek too much affection... which is good... because its obvious that they receive appropriate love and attention. They don't need to seek that from me anymore. They are growing up with confidence and security that includes a family, a great school, and a community of other mama's and children... just like them. But unless someone were to really tell them, they probably don't know that they are in a "facility". Because the place looks like a neighborhood of English cottages on a beautifully manicured plot of land. Its so lovely that I want to live there!
If Happy cannot live with me forever, my prayer is that she can live here or somewhere as equally family oriented as this place. The policy of this children's village is that we were not allowed to take pictures and publish. They take the privacy and dignity of the children VERY seriously and don't want them exploited for other people's enrichment. While I am sad not to have been able to personally document the day, I respect the protection and love they are showing these children. Because seriously, would you let people into your home everyday and take hundreds of pictures of YOUR children and then find them plastered all over the internet without any control of how they are used??? Its really a brilliant policy. And I support it 100% percent. They can't be sure that pictures are used for true information purposes and so they have this blanket mandate of no published photos. However, the director did say that its good for former caregivers to know how the children are doing because, and I quote, "they were once part of these children's family". For me, as a parent, this was profound. Part of their visitor consent is that you use no image of a child for your own monetary gain or exploitation. It was pretty awesome to see. Really.
So my point in all this blog... my heart is breaking and in so much pain at the thought of not bringing Happy back to America. I feel like there is a part of my head/heart that will never be the same-- like I am abandoning my firstborn. But today reminds me, WHILE STILL HEARTBREAKING AND DEVASTATING AND IN NO WAY A SOFTENING TO THE CRIPPLING PAIN I FEEL INSIDE, that my purpose here in TZ was not just for the babies I took personal interest in. My purpose was to help facilitate all these children into a future. There were SO many volunteers calling, fund raising, and advocating new homes and sponsorship of these children after they left Cradle. Parents of vollies ponied up money to help these little ones continue on a good path. I personally made calls here in TZ on behalf of those vollies who went home but needed status updates on there beloved children and would report back via email or skype. And I feel so privileged to help in the small ways I could.
God said we are to help the less fortunate. But he never promised us to know the outcomes. Or to bless us in the way WE want blessings. However, I think its through his love for those who received help, his compassion to us that so desperately want to see their happy outcomes, and his grace that gives us the permission to know the end story that makes our effort so sweet. God brought the "payoff" to me this day by seeing a beautifully thriving Hope and Lazaro. And his payoff gives me hope that these two will not be the only ones who receive the good life that all of us volunteers so desperately sacrificed to give these children.
Working through the darkness,
Shae
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