So this is my open apology to you.
Its only 9 weeks until it is believed that you will be born. 31 weeks have passed and I am sorry to say that I have done little to record your development thus far. I have taken no pictures and I have done little to celebrate your impending arrival. And I have only been focused on taking care of you physically and not done much to prepare for you emotionally or with sentimentality. And i'm sorry.
So let me tell you a little bit about what I know of you so far before it all becomes blurry.
In the beginning, I was very very sick. But I'm not so sure that you really had much to do with that. I was fighting the very Tanzanian ailments of Typhoid, salmonella, and parasites. It took two months, really, to fully recover from those illnesses before I could discern what was pregnancy related "yuckies" and what was that of Africa wrecking havoc on my body! But alas, by the time Thanksgiving rolled around, I was feeling good and you were on the move!
You made your first transatlantic flight in November, 2011. It was a sad time for me because I had to leave behind a little girl that I hope one day you will get to meet. But even then I was hopeful that she would get to come on our next transatlantic flight together in March so that I wouldn't be so sad the next time. However, this would not come to be. We'll talk more about that later. Anyway, travels to America were really all about you. This was the first time you were the star of the show. It was the first time for all my friends to learn about you. And this was the time when it was confirmed that you would be a Kingston and not an Adasan.
Upon coming back to Tanzania in December, I intended to make more of my life about you. But I am sorry to say that I failed in my goal. You deserve to have documented accounts of your development, stories of your father's family, and pictures of how you were growing and changing. So I am apologizing that I was never able to do it.
I want you to know that I've thought about you and planned my life in anticipation of you for the last 16 years... if not longer. I made education and career choices that I thought would benefit you. I sought help to keep my body and mind as healthy and clear as possible knowing that one day you might arrive and need the best of me around! I thought about you and your siblings and how I would guide you, love you, and raise you to be good citizens of the world. And I prayed to God about you... even as long as 10 years ago when I had no idea how and when and IF you would arrive. As the song goes "You were always on my mind". And now, after all these years, as your window of development and arrival is so short, I am sad that I haven't celebrated it as much as you deserved. And I'm sorry.
The picture above is the most accurate snapshot of the beginning of our life together. You are so close to being born, and yet you so comfortably fit into my physical space. The little girl that I talked about earlier has really come to love you! She always snuggles up to me and finds rest right where you are. I think you have come to know her as much as you know me, because you are so content when she is laying there next to you. But you get all FUSSY when she cries! You move and kick and appear really angry until she stops crying and then when she curls up to me, you settle down against her too! I think you possess a sensitivity to women, even in utero, and I find it completely endearing. That is a quality I hope you never lose touch with. It will benefit your future. TRUST ME on that one.
So little boy, I again want to say I am sorry about planning for you forever, and now not having it together. I think this letter is really an apology to the adult you. One day you will be planning for your own children and wonder what life was like before you were born. The stories will be short, but I hope you find them interesting. And I hope you can forgive me for not being the mom I always thought I would be, but give me an opportunity to try and make up for it. Right now, I have no idea what the future holds for you, for me, for us. But I have hope for a turnabout. So we'll just have to wait and see...
~Shae
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