Shae's log: The end of You and Me

Dear Happy: 

I've started this post so many times.  7 times actually.  And I can never finish it.  So I just delete it knowing that I'll do it another day.  But the days have ended and I need to put it all down tonight. Or at least I'm gonna' try.

It was one year ago-- to the day-- that I started this blog.  And I started it as a response to what happened exactly one year ago-- to the date.  On June 1st, 2011, your family made the hardest decision and signed you over to me.  They recognized that I could give you a life that wouldn't be possible in Tanzania and they consented to your adoption.  It was one of the greatest days of my life.  And to date, it still is.  Of course now one year later, I could never have predicted how terribly wrong everything would go. 

I write this post addressed to you out of my own selfishness.  You may never read this but it somehow helps me to feel closure, even if it is only one sided. 

"Our" story started a long time ago.  It started innocently, really.  I was just a random volunteer watching out for a special little girl at the request of someone else.  Who knew that I would fall in love.  And who knew that those 6 months as chronicled in that former blog would lead to you becoming my child.

But so many unexpected things happened after "got you day".  I can sit here and pour over the woulda', coulda', shoulda', but that can't change what is.  The reality we face is that for one amazing year, you were my sweet girl and I did everything in my power to bring you home with me... and it didn't work.

I am sad that I wasn't very patient when you first came to live with me.  I'm sad that you were sick and it took me a few weeks to figure it out and a few months to get a proper diagnosis.  I'm sad that I met your dad in January... and then we buried him in February.  That just doesn't seem fair.  And most of all, I'm sad that I came back to America and left you behind.  I feel so guilty about coming back to the United States and I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry.

I don't get updates about you and it tears me up inside.  I read on other people's blog posts about you being shy (which you never were) and achieving new goals of language (which with me you had already mastered!).  Reading this confirms my fears that you would regress at my leaving.  But of course you did.  It was "you and me" for a year and a half.   And then the "me" left "you".  But you were 2 1/2 years old.  So of course, you couldn't understand.

I don't want to believe that I will never see you again.  I don't believe that this is the end of our relationship.  But I have to acknowledge that the life I was planning for, worked for, sacrificed for, and prayed for probably won't ever happen.  And because of that, I'm now an incomplete woman. People keep trying to tell me that focusing on other children in my life will fill the void. I can assure you it won't.  The tears running down my face assures me it won't.

Its the first child that makes you a parent. I can have 10 kids, but its the first one that makes me a mom. And you, Happy girl, made me a mom. It was only 3 weeks ago that baby Kingston was born.  As difficult and as physically PAINFUL as that was, I can honestly say that leaving you behind in Africa was harder than any labor will ever be.  I love Kingston.  But my love for him cannot replace my love for you.  I worry about you as I equally worry for him.  He doesn't replace you.  You have your own special place in my life and I miss you more than you know.

But life does have to go on.  I don't want to... but I have to let you go.  But I'm not ready.  I'm not ready.  So for now, I'll just let this blog go silent.  And I'll hope that its just temporary.  And I'll think about you everyday and pray for your safety and happiness.  And I'll love you from afar because you are still my sweet girl and I'll love you forever.  The picture of us was taken moments before I left Tanzania.  The end of You and Me.

In my blog about my first time in Tanzania, I wrote "notes" to myself that I hoped would help me to deal with life after Tanzania.  This was the first one I wrote:

 Note to self # 1: Your heart is going to break when you get on that plane in December. Accept that there is no way to prepare yourself. Ok, then say this with me- go “we were born for this, we were born for this, we were born for this.” 

God gifted me the opportunity to come to Tanzania.  I will forever be grateful to Him for helping get you well and having you in my life.  Maybe I WAS born for this and this was part of God's plan all along.  Right now, I don't know.  But God knows.  And as painful as it is to be away from you, I have to trust Him to watch over you if I can't.  I love you Happy girl.  

~Shae

Shae's Blog: 25 days... and its not getting easier

I can't believe that its been 25 days since I left my beautiful Happy girl.  I have not received updates on her and its so unsettling and painful.  Anyone who loves a child, parented a child, or had a bond with a child knows that going only 3 days without updates on how that child is doing becomes a personal torture.  And thats how I feel right now.  I have had a blog half written for over a month now with all the beautiful things I want to say to Happy and about Happy... but I can't seem to bring myself to finish it to post.  My head and my heart are too dark still.  I'll get there.  Just not ready yet. 

So in the meantime, here are three videos I took on the next to last, and last day with her.  I am really proud of the fact that those last days were filled with smiles and laughter.  Yes, I broke down, but usually it was when she was asleep or not in my presence.  I tried to keep our interaction completely normal and continued with her schedule as always. I didn't want to tip her off that anything was wrong.  Because I've seen her panic before when I had to leave her for a few weeks in November.  And i didn't want to create that scenario for her again.  So we just kept on like we always did... even though my heart was breaking behind the smiles. 

She is my sunshine.  Right now, my only sunshine.  She makes me happy when skies are grey.  She'll never know how much I love her...

So I share these videos.  I'll eventually blog my final post about her and I.  Just not ready yet.

~Shae

She loves to watch men at work!

I stripped her down to cut her hair and then realized the clippers wouldn't work. So we started playing instead.  She always loved to climb on my back and giggle giggle giggle.  So glad we have this on video now!

She is BY FAR the most fun I have ever had.  I just loved every minute with her... even the stressful minutes!  Eventhough her body is the size of a one year old and her voice ever so young, she had big energy and always brought a smile to everyone around her.  She is such a good girl!

Shae's blog: Terrific Three at Happy Watoto

All smiles from both of us!

James finally warmed to pictures.

Before I shut this blog down, I just wanted to share the photos and video I took of James, Jackson, and Pendo on 20 March, 2012.  I was heading back from Moshi after a visit with my lawyer and was passing Kikatiti.  Knowing that I would be leaving Tanzania the next day and having no idea when/if I would return, I decided that I had to stop and sneak a peek at these beautiful three.  

I arrived during lunch time and spotted my beloveds immediately!  Jackson about leaped out of his chair at me, but I convinced him to stay seated and to finish eating. Pendo acknowledged me but never skipped a beat on her chicken and rice.  James, however, was extremely shy and at some point started to cry.  I felt bad because I didn't want to scare him.  I later learned that he was crying for something totally unrelated to me.  But for a short time, I wasn't sure!!

He never stopped being funny throughout the whole visit.

I only stayed for about an hour but it was a great hour none the less.  While James had been initially reserved, he really warmed up by the time I left.  Jackson was all smiles, giggles, and engagement from the moment I arrived.  He wasn't sad when I left, but he did offer hugs and kisses.  It was so cute.  Still, for those of you who know me, I had the most thoughts and feelings on my most cherished love--- Pendo. 

Pendo came into my life in early September, 2010.  I put forth a lot of time, prayer, energy, research, and committment into her care.  Through my time with her getting her well, she taught me so much about love, heartache, hope, and tenacity.  I am a forever changed person because she was a part of my life.  There was no way I could have known, but her illness and triumph over malnutrition prepared me for the diagnosis and treatment I would face with Happy.  I am indebted to Pendo-- and she may never know.  Pendo has one physical scar on her head from the damage of the malnutrition.  The skin tore away from her head and took hair follicles with it preventing hair to grow back.  But at my visit with her on the 20th, I noticed that the scar is getting smaller.  SMALLER.  Remarkable.  

Such beauty behind those eyes!

Pendo has endured so much in the 2+ years that I have known her.  She was abandoned by her mother by being left at Cradle of Love.  She fought malnutrition, TB, and the effects of being HIV +.  But somehow, she overcame!  Then when she aged out of Cradle, she was moved to Happy Watoto.  She was angry and quiet as the wounds of previous abandonment made their way to her emotional surface.  She acted like a child betrayed.  And in a sense, she was!  We got her better at Cradle of Love to return her to her mother.  But that would never come to be.  And now her life will be hard and consist of orphanage placement after placement until she is too old to live in an orphanage anymore.  My heart breaks thinking about it.  And I worry for her.  Except that on this past visit, I saw a spark in her again that had been gone for some time.  And I noticed that the scar on the side of her head was getting smaller.  Maybe that outward physical scar was the metaphor for the healing that is being done for her emotional and mental development.  I love Pendo.  I will always love her.  And I will always worry about her-- for the rest of our lives.  But I think that the broken, abandoned, shell of a little girl is growing into a strong, resilient citizen.  The smiles that she gave me last week --those beautiful beautiful smiles that even gave way to small sparkles in her eyes-- give me hope that she will be ok.  And hopefully, there will always be people visiting who can give me updates on her life.  I love her.  And I don't ever want to lose contact with her progress.

Anika, doesn't your boy look so cute still sucking on that thumb?!?!

Ok, so enjoy the pictures and video.  Future volunteers-- please go visit these three at Happy Watoto and let them know that they are special and so loved!!!!

Jackson wanted to be in every picture.

My life is so much better having had the three of them in it!  They are miracles of mercy and grace.  And their existence reminds me that nomatter the struggle that each of us volunteers go through to get to Tanzania and offer our lives to them, that it was all worth it!  So worth it.  They are worth it.  

~Shae

Shae's log: An update on Happy's health

Laughter is the best medicine!  I love your giggles and smiles.

Happy:

When you came to live with me after being at Cradle and Davona’s house, you were so sick.   I think I didn’t realize how sick you really were until after you got better.  Last week when I took you to Dr. Matthews, he raved about how great you looked and how well you were in comparison to how you started.  He said that you were so well that he didn’t even want to do any more tests on you for another few months—even though you were due for more procedures!  He felt like there was no need to put you through anything traumatic until necessary.  And while I worried about your weight, he kept reassuring me that all was well.  All of our hard work with diet, water, sleep, rash prevention, antibiotic therapy, and obsession with monitoring your skin, nose, eyes, ears, muscle tone, etc. was really paying off.  I’m so proud of you!  You’ve had a rough road with health. But you are clearly coming out well.  Now I know it was worth harassing every pharmacy in Arushatown to get me the meds I needed for you.  I know Pendo probably thought I was crazy washing all your fruits and veggies with special dawa to fend off the parasites and germs, but now I see the huge benefit as you no longer fight with gastrointestinal issues.  Obsessive mothering pays off!  I was quietly neurotic about your food but WOW!  Dolly says you look so good and she would know because it was a year ago she saw you last and she can see the difference.  WAY TO GO Happy!  I'm so proud of you.  Taking care of you was the biggest honor for me and seeing you so vibrant and healthy is just the biggest payoff.  You are a fighter in every sense and I hope you never lose your willingness to overcome!!!

~Shae

Shae's log: An open apology to my son

So this is my open apology to you.  

Its only 9 weeks until it is believed that you will be born.  31 weeks have passed and I am sorry to say that I have done little to record your development thus far.  I have taken no pictures and I have done little to celebrate your impending arrival.  And I have only been focused on taking care of you physically and not done much to prepare for you emotionally or with sentimentality.  And i'm sorry. 

So let me tell you a little bit about what I know of you so far before it all becomes blurry. 

In the beginning, I was very very sick.  But I'm not so sure that you really had much to do with that.  I was fighting the very Tanzanian ailments of Typhoid, salmonella, and parasites.  It took two months, really, to fully recover from those illnesses before I could discern what was pregnancy related "yuckies" and what was that of Africa wrecking havoc on my body!  But alas, by the time Thanksgiving rolled around, I was feeling good and you were on the move! 

You made your first transatlantic flight in November, 2011. It was a sad time for me because I had to leave behind a little girl that I hope one day you will get to meet.  But even then I was hopeful that she would get to come on our next transatlantic flight together in March so that I wouldn't be so sad the next time.  However, this would not come to be.  We'll talk more about that later. Anyway, travels to America were really all about you.  This was the first time you were the star of the show.  It was the first time for all my friends to learn about you. And this was the time when it was confirmed that you would be a Kingston and not an Adasan.

Upon coming back to Tanzania in December, I intended to make more of my life about you.  But I am sorry to say that I failed in my goal.  You deserve to have documented accounts of your development, stories of your father's family, and pictures of how you were growing and changing.  So I am apologizing that I was never able to do it.  

I want you to know that I've thought about you and planned my life in anticipation of you for the last 16 years... if not longer.  I made education and career choices that I thought would benefit you.  I sought help to keep my body and mind as healthy and clear as possible knowing that one day you might arrive and need the best of me around!  I thought about you and your siblings and how I would guide you, love you, and raise you to be good citizens of the world.  And I prayed to God about you... even as long as 10 years ago when I had no idea how and when and IF you would arrive.  As the song goes "You were always on my mind".  And now, after all these years, as your window of development and arrival is so short, I am sad that I haven't celebrated it as much as you deserved.  And I'm sorry. 

The picture above is the most accurate snapshot of the beginning of our life together.  You are so close to being born, and yet you so comfortably fit into my physical space.  The little girl that I talked about earlier has really come to love you!  She always snuggles up to me and finds rest right where you are.  I think you have come to know her as much as you know me, because you are so content when she is laying there next to you. But you get all FUSSY when she cries!  You move and kick and appear really angry until she stops crying and then when she curls up to me, you settle down against her too!  I think you possess a sensitivity to women, even in utero, and I find it completely endearing.  That is a quality I hope you never lose touch with.  It will benefit your future.  TRUST ME on that one. 

So little boy, I again want to say I am sorry about planning for you forever, and now not having it together.  I think this letter is really an apology to the adult you.  One day you will be planning for your own children and wonder what life was like before you were born.  The stories will be short, but I hope you find them interesting.  And I hope you can forgive me for not being the mom I always thought I would be, but give me an opportunity to try and make up for it.  Right now, I have no idea what the future holds for you, for me, for us.  But I have hope for a turnabout.  So we'll just have to wait and see...

~Shae

Shae's log: the payoff

Right now, as I preparing my return to America and facing the reality that God put me here in Tanzania for a purpose that had nothing to do with my hopes and dreams, but everything to do with getting Happy in a good place physically and emotionally, I am reminded that I am/was here for more than just her.

Coming to Cradle of Love was not the original plan.  But it ended up being the catalyst for so much of my life of the last two years.  And, like so many volunteers before me and after me, my purpose was to bring help, peace, and happiness to all the children I was privileged to serve.  I forgot that in doing what I was called by God to do, that my minimal efforts would have a lasting impact on more than just me. 

Today, as I visited orphanages to try and find Happy a new loving home, I came across two beautiful little faces that I had not seen for many months.  In visiting THE MOST beautiful children's facility I have ever seen, the director slyly ushered me and my amazing volunteer friend Heather "Dolly"  into a house to meet a mama and tour the home.  It was upon walking up the cobblestone pathway to this one particularly beautiful cottage, that the director greeted a young child exiting the home and asked "is mama here? And are Hope and Lazaro inside?"  My heart stopped.. .then started beating very fast!  The director had listened to me about knowing two former Cradle children who had settled in their children's village, and so he bypassed all the other houses at this "orphanage" to take us to the home where two of my beloved former Cradle babies now reside!

Upon entering the cottage, I was overwhelmed with how clean and organized the house was.  There was three children milling about, but one beautiful little bald head immediately got my attention as he sat eating his lunch at the kitchen table.  There he was in all his glory-- LAZARO!  It was obvious that he instantly recognized me/us.  But I could see some hesitation.  I greeted him cautiously and asked how he was doing.  With his big cheeky grin, he answered so politely.  I acknowledged with "Lazaro, have you seen me before?" and of course "YES!" was his reply.  "Do you remember my name?".  "No, I forgot it."  And my follow up "thats ok, I'm Shae Shae.  Have you heard my name before?"  "Yes, Shae Shae. I know you!" and from that moment it was on!  Hope came around the corner and it was all smiles and hugs.  They were so excited to see us and wanted to instantly show us everything at their house.  Their rooms are so cute!  They each have their own bed, blanket, their own closet, all their own clothes.  They have their own assigned shoes and do not have to share their personal belongings.  They have 7 children in their home and one mama... and all seven will grow up together until they are teens and move into a house for older youth.  I asked Lazaro about his "brothers and sisters" and he just lit up talking about them and showing me his brothers closets and their stuff! He was so proud and so mature.  He and Hope both LOOKED good, smelled good, answered questions in beautiful English. And they didn't seek too much affection... which is good... because its obvious that they receive appropriate love and attention.  They don't need to seek that from me anymore. They are growing up with confidence and security that includes a family, a great school, and a community of other mama's and children... just like them.  But unless someone were to really tell them, they probably don't know that they are in a "facility".  Because the place looks like a neighborhood of English cottages on a beautifully manicured plot of land.  Its so lovely that I want to live there! 

If Happy cannot live with me forever, my prayer is that she can live here or somewhere as equally family oriented as this place. The policy of this children's village is that we were not allowed to take pictures and publish.  They take the privacy and dignity of the children VERY seriously and don't want them exploited for other people's enrichment.  While I am sad not to have been able to personally document the day, I respect the protection and love they are showing these children.  Because seriously, would you let people into your home everyday and take hundreds of pictures of YOUR children and then find them plastered all over the internet without any control of how they are used??? Its really a brilliant policy.  And I support it 100% percent.  They can't be sure that pictures are used for true information purposes and so they have this blanket mandate of no published photos.  However, the director did say that its good for former caregivers to know how the children are doing because, and I quote, "they were once part of these children's family". For me, as a parent, this was profound. Part of their visitor consent is that you use no image of a child for your own monetary gain or exploitation.  It was pretty awesome to see.  Really.

So my point in all this blog... my heart is breaking and in so much pain at the thought of not bringing Happy back to America.  I feel like there is a part of my head/heart that will never be the same-- like I am abandoning my firstborn.  But today reminds me, WHILE STILL HEARTBREAKING AND DEVASTATING AND IN NO WAY A SOFTENING TO THE CRIPPLING PAIN I FEEL INSIDE, that my purpose here in TZ was not just for the babies I took personal interest in.  My purpose was to help facilitate all these children into a future.  There were SO many volunteers calling, fund raising, and advocating new homes and sponsorship of these children after they left Cradle.  Parents of vollies ponied up money to help these little ones continue on a good path. I personally made calls here in TZ on behalf of those vollies who went home but needed status updates on there beloved children and would report back via email or skype.  And I feel so privileged to help in the small ways I could.

God said we are to help the less fortunate.  But he never promised us to know the outcomes.  Or to bless us in the way WE want blessings.  However, I think its through his love for those who received help, his compassion to us that so desperately want to see their happy outcomes, and his grace that gives us the permission to know the end story that makes our effort so sweet.   God brought the "payoff" to me this day by seeing a beautifully thriving Hope and Lazaro.  And his payoff gives me hope that these two will not be the only ones who receive the good life that all of us volunteers so desperately sacrificed to give these children.

Working through the darkness,

Shae



 

Shae's log: New language for my breaking heart

Menu perusing at a fab Lebanese restaurant in Dar es Salaam on Tuesday

Over the last week, Happy has REALLY busted out some new language in English.  Knowing that she won't be going to America with me next week is breaking my heart as I am just loving hearing her say these words and phrases over and over.  The latest:

"Bye.  See ya." - Always spoken together and at appropriate times.  So cute.
"Shoes" - even when I say the word in Kiswahili, she replies with SHOOOZ!
"I choo woo" -  Ok, it may not seem like a phrase, but she is actually saying it in place of "I love you" and it melts my heart.  Hearing it after Tuesday's debacle makes my heart break.
"PUPPY" - clear as day when she sees a dob.  Usually accompanied by a "rff, rff" sound.
"mmammmmamamma, nunununununu" = Mama No.  This is usually when I have to put her down from holding her.  She is so cuddly these days.

These blogposts of milestones really have no significance to anyone but me.  However, seeing as my time with Happy may be coming to a close, I just need to "write down" everything before I forget.

Showing her "big girl" behavior at a restaurant in Dar.  She's so cute and proper! Sunshine personified.

I love this child with every single thing I have in my mind and my body.  Parents do say that they will do ANYTHING for their children.  But honestly, what is ANYTHING?  I think a lot of parents have NO IDEA what ANYTHING/EVERYTHING can really mean.  I still feel like I haven't done enough for her.  I feel like my lack of resources and money is holding me back from doing everything humanly possible to make her my legal daughter.  But in my heart/head, she is my first child.  And will always be.  As hard as this journey has been, I would do it all over in a second if it meant that I got to spend this time with her again.

I told my friend Karen yesterday that I've had a great life.  I've had great days in my teens, awesome weekends and adventures in my 20's, and a whole lot of experiences in my 33 years of life that were so amazing and I could never replicate.  But still, being with Happy is the most fun I have ever had.  Really.  She is complete sunshine and brightness to me. 

After almost 2 years of holding it back, I feel the dark clouds of depression rolling in. My heart is breaking right now because I feel my sunshine slipping away.