I think I understand Mary, mother of Jesus, better than I have ever understood her before. For all my non-Christian friends, please hang with me as I talk about her a little bit.
Mary…you are going to be a mother, but the baby is not really your child. You need to love him as such, even though he belongs to someone else.
Mary…you are going to know intimate details of this child as he becomes a man. You will know every human thing there is to know about him… and as a human, you may know it alone. There will be little recorded about him as he grows. But you’ll know. You’ll remember everything…
Mary… as much as he will be ‘yours’, the truth is that you will share him with a lot of other people who will think of him as ‘theirs’. And it will be ok. It has to be. Because this is why you were chosen.
Mary… one day, this child that you have cared for and loved will move on…without you. It will break your heart into a million little pieces. And you will have to be strong because your role was not to be glorified yourself, but to fulfill a need God had purposed on you.
I’ve thought a lot about Mary in the last two days. I quickly typed out a few paragraphs above describing what I know about her. I think of all the biblical stories I was told as a child, there is no character who feels so personal and so intimate to me right now as Mary, mother of Jesus. On Monday night, after having said goodbye to my own mother who was returning to the United States, a friend sent me a text that floored me. Pendo, my little Pendo, the child who last year rocked my world and grew me into a more loving and compassionate human being, was leaving Cradle of Love.
I couldn’t believe it.
To learn more about my journey with Pendo, please visit my previous blog “Have a Nice Shae” on blogger.com. I always said that I wanted to see Pendo one more time, but if she got the opportunity to go home with her family, it wouldn’t matter if I got to see her or not. Because going home means that her family was ready to love and care for her again. So you can imagine the incredible mixed feelings I had/have when I returned to Cradle of Love last week and got to hold my Pendo girl again. I had talked to the staff supervisor at Cradle and she said that Pendo’s mother was doing well and that Pendo might go home with her soon. So receiving that text saying that she was leaving should have made me happy, but it left me sad and empty. And this is why:
Pendo isn’t going home to family. She’s being moved to another orphanage.
Right now as I type, my own child is asleep on my shoulder, but my chest aches and my eyes weep for a child who is not my own. My mind keeps reeling with images of everything little Pendo went through to stay alive and get healthy while living at Cradle. I think about the smiling girl I left back in December—who wouldn’t talk—but was physically getting stronger everyday. And now, I think about the little girl I visited last week—who still won’t talk—but communicates all the pain and all the confusion that come beaming through her dark eyes. Will the new orphanage love on her the way WE love/loved on her? Will they know how hard she struggled for life? Will they understand that she doesn’t talk because of the emotional pain that is hidden in her mind (heart)? Will they help her celebrate the patch on her head where hair won’t grow? The patch is a physical reminder of how hard her little mind and body had to fight to stay alive! Will anyone be able to tell her about how diligently her mother and sister would come to visit her and see her progress? Will she know that she mattered to so many and that she will always be loved????
“Shae… you are going to be a mother, but Pendo is not really your child… Shae, you are going to know intimate details of Pendo… little will be recorded about her as she grows, but you’ll know. You’ll remember everything…Shae, as much as you love Pendo and think of her as ‘yours’, you will have to share her with a lot of other people who think of her as ‘theirs’…Shae, the child you loved and cared for will move on, without you. It will break your heart into a million little pieces…”
I am in no way saying that I am like Mary. Pendo is in NO WAY Jesus Christ. But the emotion, the raw feelings that made Mary a human being as I am a human being, is all the same. I will miss Pendo at Cradle of Love, but I can visit her in her new orphanage. Still, my heart breaks because my little Pendo, the child who was thriving in the bubble we created for her at Cradle of Love, will now have to adjust (again!) and figure out life by herself. And it hurts my heart that I can’t be there to help her.
As much as God is our rock and our fortress… I think its Mary who inspires strength in me right now. I think God will understand.
~Shae
2 comments:
There is writing a story and there is telling your story. This blog is the latter. It has been said that experience is the best teacher, but not often that it teaches the most powerful and painful lessons. Hinting at the painful journey ahead, Simeon warned Mary, " . . . and a sword will pierce your own soul too." (Luke 2:35) Mary chose to love anyway. Continue choosing the very hard way of love, Shea. . .
Oh Jodie! i had a second dream about you last night. I will email you about it later. So you have been on my mind... so glad to see you here. Anyway, thank you so much for this comment. It awakens my conscience and affirms my decisions to stay faithful in my service (if that makes any sense?). THANK YOU THANK YOU!
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