So here’s the information that everyone has been waiting to know… WHERE AM I WORKING AND WHAT EXACTLY AM I DOING?
As many of you know, my heart belongs to Cradle of Love. I would have done anything to be back there and serving the babies at the orphanage. Cradle is in a time of turmoil as the state of its existence is in question. And I just want to jump in and help it out. But I’ve been asked not to. And I’ve accepted that reality. Still, I love going to visit the children and playing with the babies. I went on Saturday and my heart was full. But I digress…
Coming back to Tanzania without guarantees was unnerving. But I did everything that I could to get myself established and left the rest in God’s hands. I spent my first few weeks looking for cheaper housing and trying to establish myself with an organization to volunteer and get residency papers through. Little did I know that God had big plans for me!
I was forwarded an advertisement listing a need for a native English speaker to do some writing and proofreading for a new safari company. It offered pay or housing in exchange for 43 hrs of work. I thought it was a long shot until I realized that the contact email was of a woman that I had met last year. I immediately emailed her my CV and cover letter and just prayed and crossed my fingers. Of course, after days of email miscommunication (THANK THE POWER OUTAGES FOR THAT ONE!) we had an interview and I was hired! And I mean HIRED hired. No volunteer service. No baby Happy conflicts. No hesitation about my skills. I was IN! She would pay my outrageously expensive work permit, get my papers in order to meet Tanzanian standards, and help me with my housing. And, until I get a house girl (more on that later), I would be allowed to bring Happy to work. It was MORE than I had prayed for and definitely more than what I deserved. But after a few days of contemplation, I accepted and so here I am.
So, the deets: I work for safaris-r-us and their newly assembled team of safari bookers and accountants. There are four of us who currently book, bill, and organize safaris. The safaris-r-us office is located just outside the gates of the School of St. Jude (. Gemma Sisia, the founder, owner, and operator of our company had a vision to build an office and some housing for future employees. WELL, with only a few months into operation, the safari company is growing like wild fire and the need for employee housing is now. So, in three weeks, I will be moving out of my expensive apartment here in Arusha and into employee housing at my office. Currently, Happy and I ride the St. Jude school bus every morning and afternoon from my residence here in the city. It makes for early days but its good for Happy. She is still afraid of black people and being on the bus with students and teachers is helping her to relax and adjust. Happy plays in the office and is a fantastic napper so I am able to get a lot of work done. When I move there permanently, I will hire a house girl to watch after Happy and to help me cook and clean. I am a little nervous about having a house girl except that I will literally be a few feet away and can check on the baby every hour if I want. My boss Gemma has been so great about me having Happy in the office. I couldn’t be more blessed. And for all you SCT readers out there… you may find it funny to know that I am organizing files and creating charts to help tighten up operations of the safari company. ITS MY DREAM SITUATION. I’m totally qualified for this job! Who knew that all my anal retentive ways at SCT would land me the DREAM job in Tanzania. Score one for the Shae!!! Yay, baby!
Ok, so basically that’s the LONG version of how I got my new job and what I am doing these days. I really feel like all your prayers and support have led me to this place in life. I am doing great. Happy is doing well. As soon as we can get her back to her old friendly self and not racially profiling (can you believe that???) all will be fantastic. I’m really tired with this single parenting thing, no car, no power, full time job, and language barrier. But seriously, my life is still an embarrassment of riches. And I truly thank God for all these undeserved blessings that keep pouring in. He allows me to wade through the water but offers me a life preserver just when I need it. OUR GOD IS AMAZING.
~Shae
On Wednesday of last week, I got a package from my friend and former volunteer, Alison Quiring!!!! She is so sweet and thoughtful and included all the very best things that I love. She sent TWO outfits for Happy, lots of candy, awesome stuff representing Canada (and some of it I can eat!), and wedding invite information. I have to say that not only was her package a hit with Happy, but her package was a HUGE hit in my office. Both of the Tanzanian women in my office are recently engaged and loved looking at Ali’s invite. They immediately typed in the blogsite for Ali and her fiancé Jonathan, and read all about their engagement and impending wedding. My Tanzanian co-workers were asking lots of questions and “oohing and aaaahhhing” over everything they read and saw regarding Ali’s upcoming nuptials. It was so awesome to be sharing wedding culture from Canada, USA, and Tanzania. I loved it! Unbeknownst to her, Ali’s package brought me closer to my co-workers and that is really appreciated.
On a serious note, Ali’s package also stirred in me some thoughts and emotions that I had never anticipated. When I got to the St. Jude office and the administrative volunteer handed me my parcel, I almost cried when I looked down at the front of the padded envelope. There among the Mapleleaf tape and the postal codes was written the most beautiful words that I’ve actually never seen in mail before:
To: Shae and Happy Beery
We are a family, me and Happy. And its feeling more and more official everyday. You rock Alison! Thanks for sharing your love in the form of thoughtful gifts and a padded envelope. You are awesome!
~Shae
Happy is sporting her new clothes!
This past Friday, I got the opportunity to meet up with Simon (ADRA volunteer and FRIEND) and travel to Kikatiti to visit the Happy Watoto Children’s Home. Our intent was to check in with a quad of children who had recently graduated Cradle of Love. Although we really had NO IDEA where we were going and endured some dalla changes and miscommunication, we finally arrived! Unfortunately, we arrived too late and the children were already in bed for their afternoon nap. Oh well! We stuck around and the following is an update on our time with the beautiful four.
Selemani (for Kimber, Francisca, Claire, and…) 
I didn’t expect Selemani to remember me or Simon. He left Cradle of Love 6 months ago and for a little guy going through so many changes I knew that he might not immediately know who we were or want to warm up to us. I have to say that the staff at Happy Watoto were really gracious and immediately brought each child to us when the children awakened from their nap. Selemani was the last to come out and he was quite hesitant. I approached him gently as I didn’t want him to FREAK OUT that these two white strangers were here to get him! But to my surprise, he was quite calm. Although he didn’t remember me or Simon, he kept a fixed eye on Happy. James was all over her and I think that she jogged the children’s memory more than us two adults. Selemani was quiet but attentive. He slowly warmed up to me and I was able to get a few pictures with him. He looked the most changed of all the children. He is physically more mature and he is losing his baby face. The one concern that I had for Sele is the “spot” in his eye. When he was at Cradle of Love, the cloudy blue spot in his eye was most visible in photos where it reflected the light of the camera flash. Now, the blue cloudy spot is shockingly visible to the naked eye. It looks to occupy the center third of his eye. It’s a jagged spot and I was earnestly trying to see if he was doing any visual compensation. Sadly, I noticed that he kept tilting his head up and to the left when looking at some activities that were happening between me and James. I have a hard time believing that he doesn’t have visual impairment based upon his actions. I will pray for his healing as I am not sure what kind of resources the Happy Watoto has in getting him ocular attention. Overall Selemani seems to be quite the little man and it was great to spend time with him.
James (for Anika. And for Clara- one day…) 
Seeing James was truly an unexpected joy! James was the very first child at Cradle whose name I immediately learned when I arrived. But James...well…James was kinda’ annoying! He constantly threw a fit and was extremely high maintenance! He was stuck between a baby and a toddler and there was a lot of darkness in him. Its like he had memories of his life before Cradle and he couldn’t express himself. However, James could also be the most beautiful thing you have ever seen with his raspy voice and his killer smile! That beautiful, killer smile! Seeing that happy boy on Friday was a mixed bag of emotion. He remembered me and easily exclaimed “shae shae! Happy- eh eh!” He looked a little physically beat up, but honestly, all the kids looked that way! But overall, he looked incredibly healthy and happy. The only negative about having James at Happy Watoto means that, again, he is separated from his younger sister Clara who is still in residence at Cradle. Furthermore, James and Clara were desperately wanted by an amazing couple who live here in Arusha. But the twisted Tanzanian system awards rights of almost ANY family member to the orphaned child. And when Cradle was able to contact an aunt (or was it a grandmother?) she refused to allow the adoption. So James, and one day Clara, will reside at Happy Watoto until he/they age(s) out and will, again, get moved to another orphanage where brother and sister will most likely be separated. Oh James…just so precious. Never grow up buddy. Stay little. And maybe us adults will figure out your life before we screw it up. You deserve better. You and Clara both. Until then…
Jackson (for Ashley, Kezia… and all the women who came before & are yet to fall in love)
Jackson was the biggest surprise for me on Friday. He was EXTREMELY shy and actually cried when I tried to draw him onto my lap. I quickly let him go as I did not want to create any trauma for him. But like the others, he stared at Happy and you could see the spark of remembrance in his little face. It didn’t take too long before he warmed up to me and Simon and was the absolute example of charm and cuteness. I took a little video and I hope that I can load it on here. But even if I can’t, just know that he is such a big boy and very loved by the other children at the home. I loved giving and getting kisses from him when we left. He was so polite and friendly to Happy before we left. It was so good to see this little wonder turn into a big boy! I never completely fell for his charms but he’s smiling his way into my heart. I love that boy. I love all the children. It was hard to walk away. But ladies, know that he is well cared for and fitting in well. He and the others have to play in the yard with older children and he is a little physically bruised and battered for it. But his spirit is strong. And his charm is stronger!
PENDO (for me…) 
To be fair, Pendo turned into Simon’s girl when I left Cradle. I cannot express the amount of peace that I had knowing she had a “person”. And when I arrived back at Cradle a little over a month ago, it was so gratifying to see her immediately climb in my lap and want to be by my side the entire time I was there visiting. So, I kinda’ expected her to light up when she saw me and Simon at Happy Watoto on Friday. She and James have only been there a few short weeks so I knew she would remember us. But the reunion was not at all what I expected. She was sullen. She was distant. And she was lost. From the minute that I picked her up and pulled her onto my lap, she sunk into my chest and I thought that my heart was going to explode out of my chest. I have this ridiculous emotional connection to that little girl that cannot be explained with words. I used to think that it was me projecting my own feelings onto her. But having been away from her and now reunited with her, I can honestly say that the connection to her darkness is stronger than before I left. I wish that I could explain it without me sounding like a complete nutjob! But I can’t. Anyway, I quickly handed her off to Simon as I could feel the tears of sympathy, loss, and regret flooding my eyelids. Pendo is physically looking quite well. But the beacon of sadness that beams off of that child is almost more than I can take. And what I am about to say is going to sound harsh, strange, and a bit morbid. But stick with me.
Last week, Cradle of Love lost one of its babies due to heart failure. My friends and fellow volunteers were absolutely devastated. And I was devastated for them. They fought so hard for that child. She was doomed from the day she was born and Cradle was fighting a downhill battle trying to keep her alive. I remember all too well that feeling of helplessness as you try your damnest to keep a child alive and not really knowing whether your prayers, expertise, and efforts were going to work. But for me, those feelings of helplessness resulted in a better Happy and a surviving Pendo. “My” sick babies got better and THRIVED! And now, I am the proud of mother of one of those babies. But I am the proud mother of one… because the other was supposed to survive and go back to a family who love her and want her. My Pendo was supposed to go home. But she didn’t.
So, as much as this sounds crazy, I have to stop and wonder… “what were we saving her for?” I know, I know, intellectually I know that she deserves a shot at life and a chance at a future even if its in an orphanage. But still my heart feels guilty. Because I get the “what” part of why we saved her. The bigger question is “WHO did we save her for?” I am devastated that baby Riziki died this week. She had no mother and a family who had endured much loss. Who would have been there to care for her? Did God know how much suffering she would experience and spared her the tragedy of all that pain? Of couse, it leaves the rest of us who loved her and cared for her feeling loss. But when I look at Pendo, a child who is depressed, who has been abandoned TWICE, and who carries the burden of fighting HIV, I have to look into myself and ask “WHO did we save her for?” Because I am not there for her anymore. None of us who loved her are there for her anymore. Was all our efforts to relieve some selfish need to “save an African child”. But what and who did we save her for? Its dark. Its morbid. And I’m not saying I regret my decision to give her the best that I could. But it makes me think. And it forces me to accept that reality that I can’t make everything better. And that Pendo may be the greatest love and the biggest heartbreak of my life.
And yet, as Simon and I left her on Friday, and I asked to give her a kiss… the warm softness of her cheek was coupled with a quiet little grunt the moment my lips made contact with her skin. I know that grunt well. Its her guarded signal of approval when her mind and body won’t allow her to express emotion. So much darkness in that child. And yet that grunt shows little tiny, tiny sparks of light. My prayer is that there is someone out there who WILL be able to take her home and love her the way she deserves. I just have to accept the reality that its not going to be me.
Anyway, now that I’ve overthought the entire day and have wiped back tears while writing paragraphs for each of the children, I promise to update you again. I am not sure how often I will be able to visit this fantast four. But I promise that I will not leave Tanzania without seeing them again. Continue to pray for them and for all the children who will leave Cradle and create new lives elsewhere. God is on their side when we can’t be. And that is awesome and I love that!
With love from one who loves you back,
~Shae
