Shae's log: The Fantastic Four

This past Friday, I got the opportunity to meet up with Simon (ADRA volunteer and FRIEND) and travel to Kikatiti to visit the Happy Watoto Children’s Home. Our intent was to check in with a quad of children who had recently graduated Cradle of Love. Although we really had NO IDEA where we were going and endured some dalla changes and miscommunication, we finally arrived! Unfortunately, we arrived too late and the children were already in bed for their afternoon nap. Oh well! We stuck around and the following is an update on our time with the beautiful four.

Selemani (for Kimber, Francisca, Claire, and…)

I didn’t expect Selemani to remember me or Simon. He left Cradle of Love 6 months ago and for a little guy going through so many changes I knew that he might not immediately know who we were or want to warm up to us. I have to say that the staff at Happy Watoto were really gracious and immediately brought each child to us when the children awakened from their nap. Selemani was the last to come out and he was quite hesitant. I approached him gently as I didn’t want him to FREAK OUT that these two white strangers were here to get him! But to my surprise, he was quite calm. Although he didn’t remember me or Simon, he kept a fixed eye on Happy. James was all over her and I think that she jogged the children’s memory more than us two adults. Selemani was quiet but attentive. He slowly warmed up to me and I was able to get a few pictures with him. He looked the most changed of all the children. He is physically more mature and he is losing his baby face. The one concern that I had for Sele is the “spot” in his eye. When he was at Cradle of Love, the cloudy blue spot in his eye was most visible in photos where it reflected the light of the camera flash. Now, the blue cloudy spot is shockingly visible to the naked eye. It looks to occupy the center third of his eye. It’s a jagged spot and I was earnestly trying to see if he was doing any visual compensation. Sadly, I noticed that he kept tilting his head up and to the left when looking at some activities that were happening between me and James. I have a hard time believing that he doesn’t have visual impairment based upon his actions. I will pray for his healing as I am not sure what kind of resources the Happy Watoto has in getting him ocular attention. Overall Selemani seems to be quite the little man and it was great to spend time with him.

James (for Anika. And for Clara- one day…)

Seeing James was truly an unexpected joy! James was the very first child at Cradle whose name I immediately learned when I arrived. But James...well…James was kinda’ annoying! He constantly threw a fit and was extremely high maintenance! He was stuck between a baby and a toddler and there was a lot of darkness in him. Its like he had memories of his life before Cradle and he couldn’t express himself. However, James could also be the most beautiful thing you have ever seen with his raspy voice and his killer smile! That beautiful, killer smile! Seeing that happy boy on Friday was a mixed bag of emotion. He remembered me and easily exclaimed “shae shae! Happy- eh eh!” He looked a little physically beat up, but honestly, all the kids looked that way! But overall, he looked incredibly healthy and happy. The only negative about having James at Happy Watoto means that, again, he is separated from his younger sister Clara who is still in residence at Cradle. Furthermore, James and Clara were desperately wanted by an amazing couple who live here in Arusha. But the twisted Tanzanian system awards rights of almost ANY family member to the orphaned child. And when Cradle was able to contact an aunt (or was it a grandmother?) she refused to allow the adoption. So James, and one day Clara, will reside at Happy Watoto until he/they age(s) out and will, again, get moved to another orphanage where brother and sister will most likely be separated. Oh James…just so precious. Never grow up buddy. Stay little. And maybe us adults will figure out your life before we screw it up. You deserve better. You and Clara both. Until then…

Jackson (for Ashley, Kezia… and all the women who came before & are yet to fall in love)

Jackson was the biggest surprise for me on Friday. He was EXTREMELY shy and actually cried when I tried to draw him onto my lap. I quickly let him go as I did not want to create any trauma for him. But like the others, he stared at Happy and you could see the spark of remembrance in his little face. It didn’t take too long before he warmed up to me and Simon and was the absolute example of charm and cuteness. I took a little video and I hope that I can load it on here. But even if I can’t, just know that he is such a big boy and very loved by the other children at the home. I loved giving and getting kisses from him when we left. He was so polite and friendly to Happy before we left. It was so good to see this little wonder turn into a big boy! I never completely fell for his charms but he’s smiling his way into my heart. I love that boy. I love all the children. It was hard to walk away. But ladies, know that he is well cared for and fitting in well. He and the others have to play in the yard with older children and he is a little physically bruised and battered for it. But his spirit is strong. And his charm is stronger!

PENDO (for me…)

To be fair, Pendo turned into Simon’s girl when I left Cradle. I cannot express the amount of peace that I had knowing she had a “person”. And when I arrived back at Cradle a little over a month ago, it was so gratifying to see her immediately climb in my lap and want to be by my side the entire time I was there visiting. So, I kinda’ expected her to light up when she saw me and Simon at Happy Watoto on Friday. She and James have only been there a few short weeks so I knew she would remember us. But the reunion was not at all what I expected. She was sullen. She was distant. And she was lost. From the minute that I picked her up and pulled her onto my lap, she sunk into my chest and I thought that my heart was going to explode out of my chest. I have this ridiculous emotional connection to that little girl that cannot be explained with words. I used to think that it was me projecting my own feelings onto her. But having been away from her and now reunited with her, I can honestly say that the connection to her darkness is stronger than before I left. I wish that I could explain it without me sounding like a complete nutjob! But I can’t. Anyway, I quickly handed her off to Simon as I could feel the tears of sympathy, loss, and regret flooding my eyelids. Pendo is physically looking quite well. But the beacon of sadness that beams off of that child is almost more than I can take. And what I am about to say is going to sound harsh, strange, and a bit morbid. But stick with me.

Last week, Cradle of Love lost one of its babies due to heart failure. My friends and fellow volunteers were absolutely devastated. And I was devastated for them. They fought so hard for that child. She was doomed from the day she was born and Cradle was fighting a downhill battle trying to keep her alive. I remember all too well that feeling of helplessness as you try your damnest to keep a child alive and not really knowing whether your prayers, expertise, and efforts were going to work. But for me, those feelings of helplessness resulted in a better Happy and a surviving Pendo. “My” sick babies got better and THRIVED! And now, I am the proud of mother of one of those babies. But I am the proud mother of one… because the other was supposed to survive and go back to a family who love her and want her. My Pendo was supposed to go home. But she didn’t.

So, as much as this sounds crazy, I have to stop and wonder… “what were we saving her for?” I know, I know, intellectually I know that she deserves a shot at life and a chance at a future even if its in an orphanage. But still my heart feels guilty. Because I get the “what” part of why we saved her. The bigger question is “WHO did we save her for?” I am devastated that baby Riziki died this week. She had no mother and a family who had endured much loss. Who would have been there to care for her? Did God know how much suffering she would experience and spared her the tragedy of all that pain? Of couse, it leaves the rest of us who loved her and cared for her feeling loss. But when I look at Pendo, a child who is depressed, who has been abandoned TWICE, and who carries the burden of fighting HIV, I have to look into myself and ask “WHO did we save her for?” Because I am not there for her anymore. None of us who loved her are there for her anymore. Was all our efforts to relieve some selfish need to “save an African child”. But what and who did we save her for? Its dark. Its morbid. And I’m not saying I regret my decision to give her the best that I could. But it makes me think. And it forces me to accept that reality that I can’t make everything better. And that Pendo may be the greatest love and the biggest heartbreak of my life.

And yet, as Simon and I left her on Friday, and I asked to give her a kiss… the warm softness of her cheek was coupled with a quiet little grunt the moment my lips made contact with her skin. I know that grunt well. Its her guarded signal of approval when her mind and body won’t allow her to express emotion. So much darkness in that child. And yet that grunt shows little tiny, tiny sparks of light. My prayer is that there is someone out there who WILL be able to take her home and love her the way she deserves. I just have to accept the reality that its not going to be me.

Anyway, now that I’ve overthought the entire day and have wiped back tears while writing paragraphs for each of the children, I promise to update you again. I am not sure how often I will be able to visit this fantast four. But I promise that I will not leave Tanzania without seeing them again. Continue to pray for them and for all the children who will leave Cradle and create new lives elsewhere. God is on their side when we can’t be. And that is awesome and I love that!

With love from one who loves you back,

~Shae

Shae's log: Who are we foolin'?

Fruitcake. I'm not a big fan of it. I don't buy it at Christmas and I don't make it. But when it is offered to me, I do eat it. I accept the inevitability of fruitcake and I have come to terms with it. Its not enjoyable per se. But it is a part of my American life.

Thats all I have for today.

Chew on that.

Love, Shae

Shae's log: Picture evidence

Here is the evidence that I promised of my new gas stove. Again, its on the porch, but I don't care! It works great when I don't have power.

Also, here are some more cutie pie pictures of Happy. I realized that I still haven't really talked about those first days with her and seeing her family and the struggles of coming back. I'll type up a blog when we don't have power and have it ready to post when internet comes back on. That will be a better use of my down time.

Ok, for all you loyal blog readers from last year when I was at Cradle of Love, make sure you read this weekend. On Friday, Simon (ADRA volunteer) and I are going to Kikatiti and visit Selemani, James, Pendo, and Jackson at the Happy Watoto orphanage. I am so excited! I let my new boss know that I had made this arrangement previously and didn't want to miss out on seeing the children. It will be interesting as I will have Happy with me. Of course, my love is Pendo but it appears that I will have competition for her attention. Pendo's love is SIMON! I have a feeling that I will have equal time with all the children as my girl Pendo will be hogging up her time with Simon. And really, she should! Simon's a good bloke and was very fond of Pendo and showed her lots of love in my absense. I am thrilled that they have a good relationship. Anyway, here's some fun pictures. Laters.

~Shae

Shae's log: When Harry met Shae Shae

Ok, let me make a confession.... I've never really been into Harry Potter. My friends Ragsdale/Hess have been lifelong (ok,years long) fans, and while I have been supportive, I've never fully understood it. And then it happened...

Chad, ahem, sorry, MASTER Chad Hess loaded Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows onto my computer before I left. We have VERY long days here with no power, limited transportation, and boredom galore. So, after watching my 4 episodes of GLEE for the umpteenth time, I decided that H.P. and the Half Blood Prince was my best option.

OMG! FINALLY, the wit that I assumed was in the books but never came through in the movies, finally appeared to me in this film. I'm an idiot. WHY oh WHY did I not read the books??? Seriously, we're weeks away from the last movie and now I can't wait to enter the Potterverse! Again, I'm stupid. Someone teach me the secret handshake later...

So, my mission this week--- go to every used book stand in Arusha and get my hands on every H.P. book in the series. I still haven't seen Goblet of Fire or Order of the Phoenix... but seeing as it took 15 days to download ONE episode of Friday Night Lights, I don't think that I'll be hitting up iTunes anytime soon.. EXCEPT... I am about to move where I have internet in my room...hhhmmmnn...maybe iTunes it is! But that is one month away. Oh well, I'll think of something. Ok, so enough about my DELAYED love of Harry Potter (and by the way... Deathly Hollows Pt. 1 made me cry! Damn you Dobbey!).

The big news this week is that I accepted the job with safaris-r-us (a new company founded by the founder of the School of St. Jude and located on the campus of St. Jude) and will begin this week.

In even BIGGER news... I now have a gas "stove" for cooking. The 30 hour power outtage was not cute. But having soemthing to cook on--albeit on the porch-- is such a blessing. Yay. Sorry, left a picture of me working my magic at home. Will post it soon.

Laters,

~Shae

Happy's log: Girl, you betta' work!

So, my mommy and I interviewed this morning with a very important lady here in Arusha. Mommy says that she runs the nicest school in the country. I haven't seen it..but if mommy says so than it must be nice! Anyway, Mommy and Ms. Gemma talked for an hour at the restaurant while I played and ate my O-tees (sometimes Mommy calls them Cheerios but I have NO IDEA what she is talking about!). Afterwards, we went to the new office where Mommy will be working. Upstairs, there was an apartment, but its not finished being built yet so Ms. Gemma said that we could move in 3 weeks. Mommy and Ms. Gemma talked some more but I just sat in Mommy's lap and played. Ms. Gemma took us home and Mommy said she had to pray about it.

I think it would be really cool if we moved to that new apartment and Mommy worked for the safari company. I hear that there are other little girls around for me to play with, so I am excited about that. Also, I totally get to go downstairs to the office with Mommy until she finds me a friend to stay upstairs with me. Eventhough Mommy will be in the office... I still get to see her and eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner with her! It will be great. I hope she accepts the offer to work. It will be so fun to live there and experience something new.

To learn more about Mommy's new office (if she accepts), please visit their website. And pray! I wanna' move into that new apartment!

Love, Happy

Shae's log: Yep, I tie her to a chair.

Ok, seriously. What am I to do? My miniature toddler really likes to feed herself. But once she takes hold of that spoon and grabs her bowl, all balance is off! So, for my own sanity and her very safety, I have improvised a high chair... I just tie her to the big chair using a thick lap pad with attached strings. Its working great!

Oh, and on a side note... she is VERY girlie and helps me pick out her clothes everyday... no joke. I'm going to be in such trouble when she grows up. It is so freakish to have an 18 month old that is only 16 pounds, wearing size 6 month clothing, reasons like a toddler, but can only communicate like a 9 month old, and eats like a 16 year old boy. THANK GOODNESS I was a nanny for a bajillion years. I would never have been prepared for this otherwise!

Oh, Michael Jackson is on in the staff kitchen. I need to go bust out some sweet moves! Oh wait... its SWV! Anyone remember them? Ok, anyway, power will be out in about an hour so I have to go. Laters everyone. Thanks for all your love and support~

~Shae

Shae's log: I miss Tijuana Flatts

The title says it all.

Oh and I miss Chick-fil-A already, too! Oh man... I hope I get to visit at Christmas time. Mint chocolate shake from CfA... soooo good.

Now I'm hungry.

Shae's log: Goodbye to Kezia

Its been a week of goodbyes.

On Monday, my mother (Happy’s Bibi) left to return to America. We were all sad to see her go, but it was a great visit and I am glad she came with me to meet Happy and experience a little of Tanzanian life.

On Wednesday, I met up with my friend Kezia who is a current volunteer at Cradle. We went to visit the orphanage at Nkoaranga where Miriam, one of our Cradle of Love graduates now lives. I had never been to that orphanage before and I wanted to see it for myself. Miriam was/is Kezia’s “baby” so I went along to take pictures for Kezia as Kezia is returning home to Denmark. I only have a few pix from my camera as I took the majority on Kezia’s… and then forgot to swap photos before she returned home to Denmark! Oops.

Anyway, here is the final moments when Kezia had to put her “baby” down for a nap. After I snapped those last images, I stepped outside the room and quietly cried in the hallway. My heart was breaking for my friend as I know the agony of leaving behind a child of whom you love so much. Kezia came out and we stood in the hall and cried together. And then, as quietly as we entered, we were gone.

Since Kezia had to fly out of Nairobi, she spent the night with me and Happy on Friday and traveled with a friend to the airport on Saturday. It was nice having her here with us and visiting before she went home. We were flatmates when I lived at Cradle last year, so it was nice to see her off after all these months. She even let me repack her bags as I was convinced I could get all her loose stuff in them and I did! Anyway, it was good having everyone come see her off. I know that when I left last year, having a support system behind me as I flew off into the proverbial sunset was key to my sanity. And I hope that we were a support to Kezia when she left. We’ll miss you girl!

~Shae

Happy's log: Go white boy, go!

I only dance for Justin Timberlake. I can barely get my balance to walk, but bust out a sweet move for Justin-- I'm in! There is no one else cooler than him. Mommy can't decide if this is good or bad.

~Happy

Shae's log: There's something about Mary

I think I understand Mary, mother of Jesus, better than I have ever understood her before. For all my non-Christian friends, please hang with me as I talk about her a little bit.

Mary…you are going to be a mother, but the baby is not really your child. You need to love him as such, even though he belongs to someone else.

Mary…you are going to know intimate details of this child as he becomes a man. You will know every human thing there is to know about him… and as a human, you may know it alone. There will be little recorded about him as he grows. But you’ll know. You’ll remember everything…

Mary… as much as he will be ‘yours’, the truth is that you will share him with a lot of other people who will think of him as ‘theirs’. And it will be ok. It has to be. Because this is why you were chosen.

Mary… one day, this child that you have cared for and loved will move on…without you. It will break your heart into a million little pieces. And you will have to be strong because your role was not to be glorified yourself, but to fulfill a need God had purposed on you.

I’ve thought a lot about Mary in the last two days. I quickly typed out a few paragraphs above describing what I know about her. I think of all the biblical stories I was told as a child, there is no character who feels so personal and so intimate to me right now as Mary, mother of Jesus. On Monday night, after having said goodbye to my own mother who was returning to the United States, a friend sent me a text that floored me. Pendo, my little Pendo, the child who last year rocked my world and grew me into a more loving and compassionate human being, was leaving Cradle of Love.

I couldn’t believe it.

To learn more about my journey with Pendo, please visit my previous blog “Have a Nice Shae” on blogger.com. I always said that I wanted to see Pendo one more time, but if she got the opportunity to go home with her family, it wouldn’t matter if I got to see her or not. Because going home means that her family was ready to love and care for her again. So you can imagine the incredible mixed feelings I had/have when I returned to Cradle of Love last week and got to hold my Pendo girl again. I had talked to the staff supervisor at Cradle and she said that Pendo’s mother was doing well and that Pendo might go home with her soon. So receiving that text saying that she was leaving should have made me happy, but it left me sad and empty. And this is why:

Pendo isn’t going home to family. She’s being moved to another orphanage.

Right now as I type, my own child is asleep on my shoulder, but my chest aches and my eyes weep for a child who is not my own. My mind keeps reeling with images of everything little Pendo went through to stay alive and get healthy while living at Cradle. I think about the smiling girl I left back in December—who wouldn’t talk—but was physically getting stronger everyday. And now, I think about the little girl I visited last week—who still won’t talk—but communicates all the pain and all the confusion that come beaming through her dark eyes. Will the new orphanage love on her the way WE love/loved on her? Will they know how hard she struggled for life? Will they understand that she doesn’t talk because of the emotional pain that is hidden in her mind (heart)? Will they help her celebrate the patch on her head where hair won’t grow? The patch is a physical reminder of how hard her little mind and body had to fight to stay alive! Will anyone be able to tell her about how diligently her mother and sister would come to visit her and see her progress? Will she know that she mattered to so many and that she will always be loved????

“Shae… you are going to be a mother, but Pendo is not really your child… Shae, you are going to know intimate details of Pendo… little will be recorded about her as she grows, but you’ll know. You’ll remember everything…Shae, as much as you love Pendo and think of her as ‘yours’, you will have to share her with a lot of other people who think of her as ‘theirs’…Shae, the child you loved and cared for will move on, without you. It will break your heart into a million little pieces…”

I am in no way saying that I am like Mary. Pendo is in NO WAY Jesus Christ. But the emotion, the raw feelings that made Mary a human being as I am a human being, is all the same. I will miss Pendo at Cradle of Love, but I can visit her in her new orphanage. Still, my heart breaks because my little Pendo, the child who was thriving in the bubble we created for her at Cradle of Love, will now have to adjust (again!) and figure out life by herself. And it hurts my heart that I can’t be there to help her.

As much as God is our rock and our fortress… I think its Mary who inspires strength in me right now. I think God will understand.

~Shae

Happy's log: Bye bye Bibi

Bibi (grandma), thank you so much for coming to Tanzania to meet me! I had the best time with you while you were here! Here are some of my favorite highlights:

Always sitting down with me and feeding me my favorites like Avocado and rice!

Meeting my whole family at the advocate's office when everyone signed papers making you my Bibi and Shae Shae my mommy!

Taking naps with me in the afternoon.

Being patient with me when all I wanted was mommy. I wanted to play with you too, I was just a little insecure. But boy, didn't we have so much fun on that last day!?!? I am so glad you were here. Tell your friends and mommy's friends "asante" for all the great toys! I love my toys! And my sippy cups... and my new clothes... the pink blanket that I love... and my... well... you know! Everything! I love it all.

Mommy says that she was so tired when you came to get me. And that you were a huge help. Thanks gran! I'm so glad that you helped mommy get everything together!




Bibi, when you left, mommy started to cry. I took her my bunny and crawled into her lap. She stopped crying and bunny made her giggle. I am so glad you got me bunny! I think mommy likes it as much as me. P.S. -- I can't sleep without it. I love my bunny!

Come back and visit soon Bibi! And bring some friends with you. Mommy says that next time she'll take you on a safari (mommy still feels guilty that you didn't get to go on one!) and show you more of the country. Tanzania is a beautiful place and I am so glad that you got to see a little of my homeland.

Mommy says that on the day you came to get me that the two of you saw Mt. Kilimanjaro, clear and beautiful, as you traveled on the road with Almas. Mommy says that you two decided that it was going to be a good day! And you know what?? It was! I got to come home to Arusha and have mommy as my mommy and you as my Bibi. I am one lucky little girl!



Talk to you soon Bibi!

Love, Happy

Shae's log: There goes the neighborhood

As some of you know, when I arrived here in TZ I had already arranged to stay in some serviced apartments here in the bigger city of Arusha. I knew that I couldn't stay here for long as it is too expensive for my budget. However, after meeting Happy again and discovering that my "baby" is gone and "toddler" Happy is here in full effect, I am finding that I LOVE the place where I am currently living. It meets our needs better than I ever imagined.

Although we have had our power out EVERY SINGLE DAY for at least 8-10 hours a day, it hasn't been too bad. Just frustrating. And it requires A LOT of planning for when we do have power. The problem is that a lot of time the power comes on over night and goes off at 8:30 a.m. So, I have to get up early to cook (on my electric stove-- wish I had gas) for the day and boil water for the day for us to drink. Fun fun. However, there is a nice restaurant here on the compound of my apartment so if I get desperate for food and water, I can go there because they have a gas stove for providing food for patrons. LOVE THAT! And Happy eats a lot! Holy man!

The thing I love most about this place is that I feel safe and its a great environment for the Hapster. Happy is all over the place. She is walking and getting better at it everyday. She is almost requiring no assistance and its so cute to see. She plays with the toys I brought her and wanders the apartment pushing or carrying her toys around. This big toddler girl is stuffed into this little teenytiny body. She is still wearing the 6 month clothing I brought her. The 9 month clothing is too big. You can't really tell in pictures, but she's still small. However her size, she is on the go with lots of giggling and smiles.

Here are a few pictures of the mighty Happy and our little corner of the world. She gets quite a lot of attention from the workers on this compound. I get quite a bit of attention in our little neighborhood. "Look at that white person with that black child" they say. "Is she yours? Who is her mama?" is a common question. Sometimes they say it in English with more respect. But most of the time it is said in Kiswahili. Of course, my neighbors haven't quite figured out that I understand them in either language! Its something that I was prepared for and I don't mind. I just hope and pray that as Happy grows, love and acceptance will outweigh questions and prejudice.

I have so much more to tell you about our transition back into each others lives. Unexpected surprises and unnecessary stresses. Much more to come.

Until next time.

~Shae

P.S. Before I forget... THANK YOU to all who have combed the web looking for information on my trip back! I love each of you for all your support. Eventhough I have been away from you all before, it still surprises me and warms my heart to see your interest in my life with Happy. Each of you are such a blessing to me. THANKS A MILLION.

Shae's log: Got you day!

Wow. Its been a long time...

On December 10, 2010, I did one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I said goodbye to my child, said goodbye to my friends, said goodbye to 49 other babies whom I loved, got on a plane, and returned to the United States alone.

Now, 174 days later (15,033,600 seconds or 250,560 minutes, or 4176 hours...but who's counting!), on June 1st, 2011, the culmination of all my patience/impatience, planning, praying, and waiting have come to fruition.

Happy's family signed the relinquishment papers. I got you Happy. I got you.

There are so many things that I want to share with you all. There are so many words that have gone unsaid. So many emotions that I have held inside and some that came out at the wrong times. But right now, with limited power and limited internet, I just wanted to get the word out that a new day has begun. Happy and Shae have started their path to being a family! God is good.

More to come.

~Shae